Wednesday, July 31, 2002
Went to watch Long Time Dead today with aj, glen and loy after school today. Wasn't a very scary movie, and considering im such a scaredy cat, it really ain't scary! I only screamed once! hahaha.. It was actually quite ok to go out with them. Perhaps better than some other times which i shan't even mention. At least I feel i can clique and talk with them..
Anyway, my life these few days are relatively quite good. Not much sadness and not much happiness either, which is fine with me, at least i dun have mood swings. haH! Been very very very broke this days.. ATM gonna be frequented by me very often this few days. Haven't got my money yet. Quite poor thing. Been trying to save as much as possible. Gonna stick to cup noodles the next few days until i get home. yikes.. vision of hair dropping due to the MSG...
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Tuesday, July 30, 2002
I'm utterly exhausted. By everything. By school. By tutorials. By stress. By relationships. I can't even think straight.
I'm quite happy for hw though. Finally saw her km when he brought her back today. Looks real decent. Ought to be a nice guy. =) I may not be used to it at first but since he looks such a nice guy, i shall try my best. I'm so tired i dunno what to write. Gotta finish up my tutorials and go to bed asap... Nites..
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Saturday, July 27, 2002
What the hell am i doing waking up so early im not sure.. I couldaf slept till 11 fully considering i slept 5 hrs ago.. One person's face and existence keeps flashing across my mind. Subconsciously, i want to wake up early so dat i can catch him online and talk a little to him before he leaves or before i leave for training. Isn't it scary im almost behaving like a stalker? However, the usual me doesn't takes the initiative to talk to ppl, neither does it happen to me here at this time.
The funny thing is dat when i'm not with him, i keep thinking and thinking about him. But when I see him or when i'm talking to him, all the anxiety vanishes. Why is this so? Forbidden food always tastes better? I really dunno. My mind is in such a mess. He of course on the other hand doesn't feel the same way as i do. Am i so lousy dat its not even worth considering another time?
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Had lunch with him today. Coincidence. He said the top i gave him for his birthday was too big. Alvin tried it on.. fitted Alvin.. so he GUESSED it was too big for him. Brought him to the shop to change. The lady was quite insistent dat he could fit it. I was quite horrified dat he didn't even try the top! But turned out dat it fitted quite well on him. Somehow i was quite happy that he sat next to me on the bus.. May be a minute detail to whoever is reading this, but dat little action meant alot to me. Considering the fact dat he did in fact chose another seat one of the times we took the same bus.. Anyway, at night we talked alittle on icq.. Seems like I can't get any topic anywhere... In fact this happens with most of my friends! I've become more senile, more stuttery, and a little deaf.. I wonder why. Perhaps the smoke in my head hasn't cleared. I am actually unsure about what im feeling now. (pardon me for the random sentences dat doesn't make sense.. what im thinking rite now is like a powerpoint presentation on random mode..)
Anyway, went out shopping with aijie today.. Couldn't find any nice tops.. Bought a veryy pretty dolphin ring and 2 hair clips.. Saw some nicer stuff which i could have bought for him instead of the top i bought at JP.. hiaz..
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Thursday, July 25, 2002
can't deny it anymore..
I can't stand it anymore. I really like him. I really really like him that im contented just to see him online. When he asked me if i had eaten dinner, I was so esctatic dat i could have put away my dinner and eat another meal with him. I'm very sad that i can't spend my birthday with him and i can't spend his with him. I feel so stupid... i feel so stupid dat i feel like crying.. in fact.. im crying right now.. Actually, maybe i don't really like him dat way anymore. But i miss talking to him and i miss those days.. I'm totally exhausted.. but would stay up just to see him online and prob ask him how his day went........
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Tuesday, July 23, 2002
screwing things up. my forte.
I just don't understand why i keep screwing things up. Little little minor stuff. I just have to make everything go wrong. Of course i try my best to do it well! But.. it just doesn't! I'm so stressed out these few days over relationships and d&d stuff and schoolwork dat i think im really going to tear my hair out very very soon. It has already become a habit of mine to use vulgarities to the extent dat i can't find any other stronger words to replace fuck. How to vent my anger like dat? Any words to recommend?
Why can't she spend a little more time prioritising her work? Main comm there true. But she's main comm here too! NEVER will be able to make it for any of the fucking canvassing stuff for our comm. Available to her comm only. Gives the fucking attitude whenever i press her on our comm stuff. Slacker timetable of course can chat and play till late la! I really try not to tell her anymore stuff about my life. My brain now feels like a power point presentation...
And theres no place in hall for me to hideout when im sad. No one exactly whom i can pour out my troubles to except him. Been having dinner cooped up alone in my room for the past few days. I just didnt wanna take the initiative to ask people for dinner. Deserves a beating right me? shakes head This is just the 2nd week of school. If the rest of school life is gonna be like this, I'm a goner soon.
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its early in the morning and im just starting to do my tutorials.
Was fucking busy the whole evening trying to do some D&D stuff. Yes i know i have super low creativity, but that doesnt mean i don't contribute to the work at all. In fact, i can proudly say i've done my part for everything. At least i take effort in going for all the meetings and listening intentively to what is being said and not reply with a "huh?" everytime something was said. Had the photoshoot and a shortshort meeting just now which took away 3 hrs of my precious time of doing tutorials. Was feeling pretty bashed up during the talk cok session when my dear dear partner ALWAYS had to rebutt me on something or show her fucking attitude to me in front of others. Can't people be a little bit nicer? Anyway, owing to the fact dat i'm in a more difficult course and having a more packed timetable, i certainly do not have as much time as her to slowly do things. I have tutorials to do and i need some rest. Doing all the worrying is already bad enough. By the time i had finished batheing and settled down a little, it was almost time for bed. Feeling so fucked up that i replied kelvin rudely when he joked with me. I felt so bad cos after dat, he called me and asked if anything was wrong. I felt so touched. Touched dat someone actually still cared enough for me when i haven't been maintaining close contact with him. I must remember to treat him and people who deserve my nice treatment better. Was on the verge of tears (as always) when he called. Luckily he did. Now i'm feelin so much better....
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Sunday, July 21, 2002
"when friends fall in love, it means they are meant for each other. When friends fall out of love, it means they want to keep each other forever."
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was lying on my bed beside my guitar and my bear, staring up at the ceiling full of stick-on stars, wondering whats wrong with me. Why am i still thinking of him when there's obviously no more hope for me to cling on.. I miss him. I miss the long and close conversations we had. I miss pouring out my troubles to him. I miss studying with him. I miss playing games with him. I miss going home together.
I think i have too much time on my hands.. miss him holding my hands. Gosh. Shuddup.
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Friday, July 19, 2002
I'm feeling quite ok today.. Went to school with hw. Went to help out with the booth. Quite ok hanging out with different people. Lucky i wasn't alone today. Collected notes with the help of adrian. Really really nice to see old classmates again. Fortunately i wasn't too antisocial when i first entered uni, if not, i wld be friendless now. Saw the new classmates today when they were collecting the notes. They seem quite pleasant. Most of them local too. One guy was quite considerate cos he offered to help me distribute the huge stack of notes!
Anyway i went to watch MIIB with al.. Talked quite alot after that. Actually i know that there are people around me who really care for me, I dunno why, but most of them are guys. I'm quite sure they don't have any ulterior motives for wanting to be close with me cos im quite a tomboy and i can talk to most guys. Girls just don't seem to understand? I dunno.. anyway, al commented even though i sleep alot, i had slimmed down over the hols! hahaha.. over the moon liao!
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Thursday, July 18, 2002
I just don't feel like talking to people.. You know dat kinda feeling? You need ppl. But u dun want them around you. Super ironic. What shit is this man..
I'm feeling so... alone yet.. i dun want anybody to care about me.. i dunno.. i dunno wad im feeling. I think its the pms mode. Everybody stay clear of my path! I keep helping some people, but when i need help, no one's there. Or maybe they are. But those few whom i really want to care about me doesnt. There's such a tight and close feeling in my heart. Maybe this is what uni life is all about. Loneliness and wandering about all by urself. Eating alone. Listening to lectures alone. Walking alone.
Sometimes i feel i'm so mean to those who want to care about me, but i really cant help it being mean to them! I know im wrong i know! Yes.. so i keep reminding myself i need to be a nicer person...
Oh yea and if you need something or want to keep your place clean and tidy, DO IT YOUR self... no fucking use depending on others to do it. You will never get it. i wish i could get a single room.
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Wednesday, July 17, 2002
2 hrs of sleep ain't enough fer me.
was quite busy the whole day. Goin for lectures, goin for the eca fair to ka po those stuff meant for freshies.. hahahhaa! Oh yea, and i sat thru the lectures alone, falling asleep here and there. WHY? becos last night some fuckers came to the room to use roomie's comp at 3.30am in the morning!! And the fucker guy had to talk so loudly that i eventually had to show my attitude to them. I had a hard time falling asleep after lying on the bed for 2 whole hours and they had to come in and make those noise!! FUCKERS they are. Lucky i was without my specs when i woke up, if not the asshole would see me kicking his ass the next time i see him.
Anyway, at the eca fair, i saw a whole lot of ppl. Irene.. Jiajin.. xh.. shereen.. and.. well.. haha i guess not dat much huh? But i caught up with them.. dats the main thing. Nothing beats seeing old friends. Anyway now im dead beat. Gonna shower and going out to meet beng n yx.. Hopefully tis is a good outing. Seeya!
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Tuesday, July 16, 2002
was so stressed by the posters to be up tmr.. and im the only fucking one doing the fucking stressing and the fucking poster. I'm so alone. No friends. No partner. No brainers.
i really hate everyone and everyone and everyone...why must ppl bug and bug and bug me till i drop dead then they happy? those whom i wanto bug me ain't bugging me..
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Monday, July 15, 2002
1st day wasn't as happening. But i'm old.
School starts again.. nothing much. some crap lectures. Totally boring. understatement over there. Anyway, went for french class today. It was quite fun. But seems like a whole load of work to be done man. After dat decided to go home cos there isnt any class tmr cos flag day! yiPpee! was caught by a seize of gastric pains though.. Saw someone on the mrt who looked a whole lot like my danny kor.. decided sms him. hehe.. he was lookin left and right and i was giggling like a mad girl let loose. hahah! Imagine i still recognise him after 1.5 yrs! He looked totally white man.. let somemore sun into ur life buddy! =p
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Sunday, July 14, 2002
hafing a fucking neckache and headache. fucking loads of things to do and im the only one doing it when there are other ppl in it as well.
ears: Avril Lavigne - Complicated (seems like she's singin about my situation..)
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin in your car
And you're talkin to me one-on-one
But you become
Somebody else
Round everyone else
Watchin your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're actin like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get
And you turnin into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no
You come over unannounced
Dressed up like you're somethin else
Where you are and where it's at you see
You're makin me
Laugh out
When you strike a pose
Take off
All your preppy clothes
You know
You're not foolin anyone
When you become
Somebody else
Round everyone else
Watchin your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me
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Saturday, July 13, 2002
Just had a great dinner and a great sleep. Perhaps the best sleep i ever had in this week. No disruptions, no keyboard sounds, no mahjong sounds, no handphone ringing.
Went to ps's hostel last night with hs. Kinda old compared to mine. And her friends were quite friendly too. Not the girls though. They seemed kind of i dunno how to say either. Just weird. I'm glad i'm where i am. Was quite pissed that the rest didnt come. Always making up excuses here and there to say they can't make it. Really feel like boycotting them and don't turn up next time too.
Aye i don't know what else to write. My brain is still moving quite slowly. Still sleepy. oh yah, me and hs are very happy for ps and dan cos we see that they really can click with each other. Better than her with jason. Maybe hall life makes people closer. For some only of course. All these never fails to bring flashbacks.. just like tv serials huh.. Wallowing in selfpity again.....
Anyway, even though i'm right at home now, i feel i'm missing my parents already! School's startin soon.. real soon. And dat means i'd be with strangers. Be with people whom i dun really really care about. Do things that i don't really wanna do. sobss.. ireally like them alot.. its jus the communication barrier. Since when am i such an emotional freak about my parents? Maybe cause there's no other outlet for tis emotions of mine to leak out to...
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Thursday, July 11, 2002
quite shagged out from training.. been thinking about what clarice said. Totally true. Their existence leads to my extinction. BUT of course this is good for the team as a whole.. Everyone will be forced to perform better. I'm afraid for my ricebowl. Really like the sport. But i THINK i am improvin quite a lot. Of course my good attendance helped! ha!
Anyway, on the way, me and el saw him comin back from playin basketball. Really reaaaaaallie weird. He even looks a tad bit different. Argh. I don't even know how to react. Aye....
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Wednesday, July 10, 2002
Managed to find a site where i can upload the comments link. However, things aren't looking too good. Cant upload a certain file and something seems to be wrong somewhere. Hopefully i can solve it fast so dat you who's doin nothin but reading my crappy stuff can leave some comments. =p
Anyway, i finally coloured my hair today. Hmm.. Seems like I've been fulfilling my wishlist tis days huh? I should put more ridiculous stuff on my wishlist! haha.. Anyway my hair's smellin great now. WoO hoo! haha. And i'm quite tired too. Gonna turn in soon. But i'm still so full from the big packet of chicken rice which dad bought for me. =D
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just came back frm fetchin grandma.. Seems like the trees and branches don't really agree with my driving on their lane. Almost caused a scar on my mum's beloved car. Really, indeed its super stressed having to drive with her sitting by my side. I'd rather dad sit beside me. She's like i'm a reckless driver and she must be out of her mind to let me drive. Ha! but i reached home safely! And nice parking tOo!! hahaa!
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Tuesday, July 09, 2002
very happy today! Finally went to watch minority report!Actually planned on goin salon with huishan today, but she smsed me saying she was sick this mornin.. haha.. must be too much sun with vin! =p Anyway, the movie was SUPERB. Anyone who's reading this, please watch it. Actually i dun mind watching it another time. hA! so cool. Does tis movie shows what will happen to the future? Will i not be using this humongous big monitor anymore? =p
And... i finally bought my jeans! went to the one at taka.. didnt have the cut i want. Had to drag ps all the way back to heeren with me. And there are only 2 changing rooms there! gosh, when i came out for the last time, there were actually 2 people waiting for me! I had to get it then or leave. I finally made a decision to buy it, since i had been aiming for them since god noes when. So actually today was quite fulfilling for me. Oh yah, i saw ps's kor again. ha! he looks like he's growing shorter everyday. Oops. I hope he doesn't drop by here. haha!!
Anyway, food can really make someone happier! I just had to offer my bro half a big packet of twisties, and he told me about his stuff! ha! i should buy more food for storage at home. And I talked to my dad while watching the 9pm show! hee, seems like i'm going smoothly huh? Oh and i asked mum if i could drive grandma to the centre tmr, and she agreed too! =)
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Monday, July 08, 2002
watched Friends just now.. the scene of chandler piggybacking monica was painfully familiar..
anyway.. went out with hw and sm today to get presents. Just made up a hasty decision to go along with them, if not i'd be rotting the day away again. However, i realise it wasnt a very good decision.
Anyway, another pair of hearts on earth has been broken once again. Seems like this is happening everyday. I really hope that people would think carefully before going into any relationship. If the relationship was never meant to be, why start it and make everyone miserable?
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independence | loneliness.
I wonder if its just me or is the whole world like dat. Bumming around like a piece of shit.. argh.. been thinking abt him.. even dreaming of him. Just watched some beach variety show, and DAT too made me think about him. hw just msged me to say she saw him tis afternoon, with long hair looking a little like jappy and highlighted hair. Hmm.. Why do all things come at the same time?
I just re-read my diary from since way back when i was still in secondary school. Damn childish i can tell u. And most part of it, well.. was about my loneliness. Even with so many friends of mine, sometimes i really just cant find anybody to talk to. Those who are available, well, i dun really wanna discuss certain stuff with them. I am always alone. Why? Not dat i dun have any ppl around me. I just dun understand. I'm so tired. Tired of fighting against myself, and everyone else. I hate myself, for being the way i am. For making ppl feel dat way about me. My shoulders are so heavy.. from all the emotional burden..
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Friday, July 05, 2002
fucked up day.
Why do all bad things happen in one day? Was waiting so long to come back home. Well not very long, just 12 hrs, and when im back home, she had gone to buy the stuff without me! Its either her session wif her friends or some dancing thing.. I just wanna go out with her to get some stuff.. do stuff together.. Its so hard.. and she still remembers it 5 hrs later, I thought i was supposed to be the one who's pissed? and yea, about the trip, it was so confirmed to the roots of my hand's hair, and now? It's cancelled. Why? Due to fucking handphones and receptions and moodswings and delays.
I just saw my bro walking out sickly. Like an old man. I feel so sad for him dat i wanna cry right here. I really like this family alot. Well, he's gonna to the hospital now. Some serious thing i assume. I haven't talk to him for quite some time. We're like totally strangers...
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Thursday, July 04, 2002
neither here nor there.
im really sad.. i wonder why do i choose to come back to school for the night even though i could have easily gone home. I'm feeling oh so lonely now in this room of mine. Even though I know dat when i go home, i'll still be facing a sleepy home, at least i'm home.. Argh!! I always put myself in misery. Why do i keep making the wrong decisions? And my life isnt exactly going the way i want it to be. I'm neither here nor there. I have to make plans for next week, which is either the hall foc, or the trip to redang. And the trip isnt exactly confirmed cos ps needs to reg her subjects on 9th, and there is absolutely no way for me to skip my lectures on the first day of school if we go on the 12th! ARgh... And the camp, none of my closer friends are goin! Those who are goin.. well, i ain't exactly best friends with them. See see, my life.. MESS!!!
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butt out.
How can anybody be livin with a life like mine? I truly wonder. Bum around all day doing nothing except sleep and surf. Trying to keep irritants out of my life. Even if they don't know its them. Boo! Ain't in the mood to entertain anyone except the one who doesn't need my entertaining.
Ack. I am still facing the world.
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Wednesday, July 03, 2002
one day has gone by.. with me just sleeping and waking up to eat.. and going back to sleep again.. blame it on the midnight thingy..
With nothing much to do and me idling around.. mind and thoughts are bound to wander around even to those places where i wouldnt want it to go.. kept thinking of the past.. the much much happier times.. maybe then i realised something was wrong... just didnt want to face the reality.. couldnt tell it to myself straight in the face.. really hate loneliness... and well.. im bitchin about it again even though ive repeated countless times and again in the head dat tis is no use.. anyway.. school's startin soon.. wonder if its a gd thing or a bad omen.. maybe i shall retreat into my box.. and really stand up on my feet..
time to ditch the old wrappings..
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Monday, July 01, 2002
just finished my dinner... after doing half a day of hard work.. moving room.. cleaning up.. movin all the heavy stuff and such... i never did realise a room could have sooooo much dust!! no matter how hard we tried to clean it up.. there'll still be dust floating ard... Errk.. so finally.. now im settled in my new room.. with no bedsheets yet.. cos im still too lazy to put them on.. anyway i wont be sleepin in the bed tonite.. gotta do some dumbo job canvassing for hall later.. aye.. midnight job.. there goes my sleep.. anyway.. the main pt of this entry.. is dat while im sitting here.. at 7.58pm.. usually i'll be at home watchin some chinese show with my mama.. ever since i started rotting.. i have begun tis habit of watching tis particular show.. aye.. i so miss my home now.. my mama and papa.. i even feel like wanna cry.. so alone in this world.... even talking to my roomie seems a little funny.. maybe too long never see each other.. aye.. hopefully things will get better soon..
nowhere's better than home....
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