Thursday, August 29, 2002

Caught unfaithful yesterday.. It was kind of an RA show instead i felt.. I can't imagine kids like my bro above 16 watching that kind of show.. How it would pollute those kids with already polluted minds.. Aye aye.. However, that french or rather italian guy was reaaaaaaaallie charming.. in a twisted angle.. And.. richard gere has so much.. OOh.. outta him! haha.. Oh.. and the lady.. yes the lady.. darn beautiful too.. though her eye bags are a little too obvious for sight i feel..

I was angered today. By a group of fucking pole dancers cum cheerleaders. Fucking girls who made fun of my name. They think they're darn cool and darn pretty and darn funny. Thing is, they're not. I will never ever befriend them again.. or rather be aquainted with them. MaddeniNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that fat bitch kept on playing and playing as though it was very very funny... Actually.. I'm not really that mad... im just.. disgusted...

penned at ¶ 8:57 PM

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Played badminton for ibg today.. They were actually quite surprised to see me there.. Considering i always turn them down and acting dao.. haha.. Anyway.. when i was there.. i was initially sitting with the 66 ppl.. but they were talking among themselves.. even the ex-67 ppl.. etc al... moo... all were busy yakking away.. Sigh.. i just sat there and watch the game... After awhile, i scooted over to sit with my 67 mates.. They were so much friendlier!!

Changed my opinions of IBG.. prob i'd just go down the next time when i have the time.. Anyway the game was super fun.. me and daniel won the mixed doubles.. but.. sadly the rest lost.. but its ok.. just fer the fun of it.. there were no jeerings from those ppl whom i expected to hear from cos they weren't there! Phew.. Now my hands are aching like mad.. dun even feel like writing anything.. Lucky fer me tmr's a short day.. i can come back and rest after dat...

penned at ¶ 9:56 PM

Surfed and found dis somewhere, quite similar, our situations.

A Lonely Little Girl

I look in the mirror,

and all I can see,

is an unhappy little girl

staring back at me.

Things have happened in my life,

some things I cannot change,

but I am the only person

who has to deal with my rage.

I'm upset because I'm all alone,

and I feel like I have nothing of my own.

I can't take it back,

because I'm ready to go,

because love in my life is something I lack,

and a feeling I will never know.

I cry all the time but in front of friends I laugh,

why can't they see it's really a sad smile?

Probably because I make them think crying,

is just not my style.

I always feel down

and people turn away,

sometimes it seems as if,

I have nothing left to say.

People don't want to listen

to all the hurt I feel,

they just blow it off,

and tell me it's no big deal.

I cope with problems myself,

because I have nobody on my side,

I cry all these tears alone

because sadness is something I hide.

My friends are friends that never see

if something is really bothering me,

they all have their own lives

other than to worry about me,

I guess my pain,

is what they don't want to see.

I've thought about letting go

and giving up on life,

but maybe something great can happen

to the rest of my life.

The question still stands,

"Do I stay or do I leave?"

I don't know which one I want,

so for now I'll just be me.

A lonely little girl,

with a broken heart,

a lonely little girl,

that just needs a brand new start.

penned at ¶ 1:44 AM

Monday, August 26, 2002

sigh.. i just plucked up my courage to msg kc first.. one of the rare times.. prob doesn't have a fantastic first impression of moi.. but well.. dats normal.. haha.. actually he's not a stranger, seen him b4.. but.. I'm like the ants on a hot pot.. struggling to think of what to say.. and in the end... after abt 10 sentences.. running out of topics.. i finally said i'd not disturb him anymore, and his lightning speed reply said "ok.. =)"... kinda superficial eh.. but oh well.. i've made the first step.. huge milestone..

Neway.. I'm trying kinda hard to keep in touch with my closer friends, etc mad, ps, hs.. However.. they're all very very busy with their own individual lives.. aye aye aye.. now i know how yanfen feels when her only friends are all busy.. No wonder she has to turn to those people for comfort rather than us.. =(

penned at ¶ 11:44 PM

Saturday, August 24, 2002

Happier now.

Hee one hr later, im happier. Cos my parents just bought me 2 pieces of Fila tops! Really quite happy when family happiness comes into the view since i can't get any love from anywhere else.. =)

penned at ¶ 11:35 PM

I was actually feelin quite low the whole day. I didn't go for the guys training today cus most of the girls didn't go either and i felt that I need a break from sports for a teeny while.. Need to let my poor body rest. Anyway, I seem to be dwelling on sad stuff a whole lot huh? When you're bored and thinking of the stuff that you used to do, you can't help doing that huh..

Anyway, one happy thing i managed to do today was to create those tiny boxes up there u see now! I've been trying it for a darn long time and finally i got it done! Cool eh? May not be a biggie thing to ya ppl seeing out there, but its really not easy.. hurhur.. Trying to come up with more pages, but dunno how to get going around it though.. If ya noe, give some advice ya? =p

And I'm listenin to Ah Du's tian tian kan dao ni.. It's actually kinda weird liking a chinese song.. But tis is nice i feel.. Darn.. shouldaf gone for his concert yest at the nanyang audi! I think its quite a sad song and kinda appeals to me...
Recommendation: Hooberstank's Running away ain't that bad too.. =)

penned at ¶ 10:46 PM

Thursday, August 22, 2002

(Notice all my blog entries are all sad entries. Goes to show how sad my lyfe is.. )

Walking around the blocks, looking for friends, I realise i have no permanent friends around here... It's really kinda sad.. Maybe i never really had any in the first place last sem, just that i had more happiness then thus not feeling the sadness. What bull am i crapping.. I dunno.. Jus feelin real low tis few daes.. Not just tis few daes, actually ever since quite long ago. I can't imagine myself having all the holidays like last time cos i'd be at home just growing headaches and fats. Why can some ppl just get on with their life so happily while im dying in my sty? Theres a huge lump of something in my throat.. Can't get it out unless tears accompany it.. I wanna cry it all out.. But i dunno what for.. I seriously dun belong here... but i need the room.. arh.. Everybody has problems.. I have too.. How come i seem to be bothering myself a whole lot about it?

I feel so low.. that I wish i can sleep forever.. and not wake up.. But then i'd be wasting the money and time my family has spent on me. I have no aim, no future, no friends.. The 2 only ones i have are too far away to hear me.. I can't seem to do anything to make it better.. I just dunno where the problem lies.. I dunno who to turn to.. Those whom i want to turn to, are not available.. Those who are available.. well.. i dunno.. don't really feel like crying my hearts out to them.. Gonna keep to myself.. must...

penned at ¶ 8:31 PM

Had a game against Moosettes 1 excluding martha and jill.. and we still lost.. which was quite expected.. But what we want from this game is the experience of playing with the best players.. It was quite an experience gained and I hope we would be able to be on par with nus the next friendly.

I think i should zip up more and chat less with people. The more i hang out with people, the more i dislike myself/them. I've been very busy lately, i dunno with what though. Perhaps is all this thinking stuff that clogs up my mind. I don't want to think...

penned at ¶ 12:32 AM

Monday, August 19, 2002

im all shagged out.. however quite happy today though.. =)

penned at ¶ 11:14 PM

Sunday, August 18, 2002

Had the fright of my life this morning. Woke up being unable to turn on my side nor sit straight up. My left hipbone was hurting like hell. Scared out of my wits. I went back to sleep thinking it would be better in 1 hr's time. I was wrong. I still tried to sit up despite all the terrible pains. Standing up and walking was worse. I had to inch 1 step by 1 step. I didn't know what was happening. Everything was fine when i went to sleep. I didn't tell mum either. I tried to act normally. After having breakfast and reading papers, I went back to sleep while reading my lab halfway. When i woke up this time, I was back to normal. I could walk normally again. It was scary...... I thought i would never walk properly or run again..

penned at ¶ 10:33 PM

Its finally over...

Grand finale.. and a major kok up.. announced the consolation prize wrongly.. How sad the F4 girl mustaf been.. But then everything else went quite smoothly.. Took loadsa photos.. Not very happy with the bastard though.. Anytime any cockups happen, the first person he looks for is me.. Yes yes im the eng eng one with nothing better to do.. Fuck him.

Anyway, while me and hw was leaving, we went to the ballroom again.. I was half hoping that he would at least ask whether to share a cab back or not. To my disappointment, he didn't.. and considering it was so late at midnite.. and at this time of the month.. Can't even show a little concern.. Never even ask about anything.. Haiz.. so be it. Me and roomie went to the hotel restaurant at 12am to eat icecream after dat.. YumYum.. Eat away my frustrations.. I felt like crying then.. sigh..

penned at ¶ 2:28 AM

Friday, August 16, 2002

that sonofabitch.

How real can one get huh.. That fucker has obviously someone else in mind and had to get through me so dats why had called me. Fucker. Made it sound so nice but actually had an ulterior motive. Can't stand short bastards like him. Congrats to him for having such a tall girlfrd as retribution. Pray he doesn't trip on his way up the stage tmr. He's gonna have his name renamed after this whole event is over. Seems like i hate all persons who r incharge of the event huh? Cos they are all bastards! shallow assholes!!! *fire fuming outta ears...*

penned at ¶ 10:24 PM

music is good..

I love roxette.. absolutely love the disc when im down.. I can just play the whole cd and it makes me forget abt some of the frustrating things i have on my heavy mind.. I feel i should really heck care sometimes. I'm taking the whole responsibility and doing all the things i should. No point i feel. What the heck. I'm fucking pissed. Pissed about almost everything around me.. darn.. *sobs..*

penned at ¶ 2:24 AM

Thursday, August 15, 2002

hiaz.. couldaf kicked myself in the butt.. After running, came back and finally saw him online for once!! But then, as usual, I just wait and wait and i went to bathe.. And when i came back, he was still online, but after 1 min or so.. he was gone... gone forever!!! aYe aye aye!

penned at ¶ 11:54 PM

Wednesday, August 14, 2002

Can long distance relationships work?

A very good friend of mine called up today for a listening ear. Asked me the question, why are votes mostly based on popularity and votes rather than capability? Its the real world, I told her. None of us can run away from such matters. First impressions are based on outer appearance too sadly. That is why all the rally and pulling of votes are happening in halls. 2ndly.. her relationship with CD has turned for the worse. Different nationalities. He has to go back to his own country after the end of his bond. What will happen after dat? I'm actually more worried over her getting too into the relationship. It'll be worse for her when tis relationship ends. Considering mine was such a short while and i was so damn affected by it, needless to say about her. I can't prevent such unhappy stuff from happening.. Feel quite helpless over it. I don't wish to see others suffer the same kinda fate...... =(

penned at ¶ 11:20 PM

We went suntec to eat "ma la huo guo" today.. 7 of us plus somebody's girl.. Costs a bomb man.. Never going to eat there again.. although the hotness of it all is quite new to me. haha.. Just woke up from a 1.5 hr naps. Recently this kinda naps never fail to make me feel uneasy after waking up. I always feel so... unsettled. Like my mind is thinking of alot of things while i'm asleep. Never really had good sleeps..

penned at ¶ 7:01 PM

Quite tired today.. Actually im tired everyday. Just dat I dunno where all my time went to. I ought to sleep earlier one of these days. Just too much things to do. I need some alone time in the room. I NEED sleep......

penned at ¶ 1:22 AM

Monday, August 12, 2002

sometimes i miss having people around.. Sometimes i miss being alone.. =(

i dun mind squeezing.. i just dun like.. i just dun like it here anymore... it doesnt make me happy to stay in school.. but it doesnt make me happy to stay at home either.. I'm not happy anywhere.. Where has my happiness gone?
(Notice my blogs tis daes are about sadness, but since when was it not?)

penned at ¶ 11:29 PM

pissed off day.

Kept getting pissed off by people. Fucker boy pushed the door back to me when i opened it gently.. Fuck.. COuld have slammed it in his face.. Called him bastard after dat. Guess he read my lips. Good for him.
Another fucker boy during dinner asked us if THEY could have the 2 seats me and roomie were sitting just to accomodate dat fucking hall 15 group of people who came 10 mins later. More would have done it in. So what if they have a group of people? There were dozen other seats around!! *on fire*.. Blood was boiling. Wadsup with people this days?
A group of girls were sitting at the top of the stairs landing, preventing people from passing up to the higher storeys. What the hell were they thinking?! I simply cannot understand.

penned at ¶ 10:30 PM

i'm so hungry... dat i gobbled up almost half a packet of oreos and 1 cup of milk... I think i cannot compromise or live with other people.. I prefer alone.. So that i won't have to delay or give up things that i want to do for others. I'm a selfish lass i admit.. =(

penned at ¶ 7:30 PM

Sunday, August 11, 2002

heehehe.. drove to school today.. felt quite good.. Although i feel i was less slow without my parents.. hee.. but they dunno of course.. Well, and i made it back safely! which is more important! And.. at the floorball carnival in school today, we came in first! ha! but not very surprising.. cos we are definitely better than others, considering our trainings and all, and we almost lost to shanlin's team! Phew.. lucky the penalties saved us! =p

Bad news.. I sprained my right ankle today.. I didn't realise it until i came home.. It hurts badly. I can still walk but i'll always have to crack it so that it doesn't stay stiff. yikes..

Anyway, just went to fetch mum back from the airport just now.. Her first look didn't look very happy. I'm wondering if it has anything to do with me at the wheel. Perhaps she feels insecure cos i may like anytime take her car and use.. Aye.. obviously i wont! if they dun let me use that is! Oh.. We went to east coast to eat the nicenice chicken porridge and sugarcane juice with lemon! Yum! Having so much supper ain't very good for moi stomach i know.. But once in a blue moon.... =)

penned at ¶ 12:36 AM

Friday, August 09, 2002

Had quite a great time last night at ridleys.. Been months since i ever partied like dat.. HAha.. one year ago on the very same day i went to zouk for the first time as well! Initially it was quite boring cos the guys were so mor mor so so.. do things sooooo slowly dat made me wanna puke blood.. and we missed all the good songs! The feeling then was good.. but the after effects.. not very good though.. didn't have a good night's rest.. kept dreaming of alot of different things.. Can't remember a single thing now though..

Anyway, one of Loy's friends was quite cute. wahha! Danced pretty well too. Hopefully next time can see him again when we go partyin again! haha.. hua chi liao..

penned at ¶ 2:24 PM

Wednesday, August 07, 2002

Sometimes i feel selfish. I don't wanna share happiness or good things with people. I feel i should just keep them all inside me. However, being the biggie mouthie me am, i sometimes just can't help sharing with people. I don't want to have the same friends as them I don't wanna do the same things i dun wanna walk beside them.. What is it? Hermit time again..

penned at ¶ 12:20 AM

Sunday, August 04, 2002

I'm feeling very tired.. Lost the game 2-3 to OI... 1 of the goals partially caused by moi.. Was man-watching too much that i didn't see the ball coming so fast. The Kenny guy afterward told me he wanted to shout to tell me that the fella was behind me. I knew she was behind! but was too concentrated on her to see the ball. Sigh.. If not we would have gotten a medal! Damn... Was jabbed in the ears and pushed down too. Injured my knee cap.. I could even rotate it around! hahah.. Anyway eddie said the whole team had very high intensity throughout the game! which is damn good! But sadly, we'll have to wait for quite some time before another league comes. Sigh.. But i'm quite happy with myself.. cos felt i ran my best today. Did wad i could..

penned at ¶ 11:34 PM

Sometimes i just cant stand slow ppl. And i can't stand blur people too. I can't stand small people too. I can't stand alot of things. I can't stand myself. I can't stand selfish people. I can't stand weak people. Cant stand act cute idiots. I can't stand almost everything. Quite irritable these few days.. As a result, been harbouring evil thots about people.. Not treating people nicely. But i really can't stand them! I don't feel like talking to some people, but they just don't know it.

Maybe i expect people to be almost the same as me.. As what aj said.. we sometimes can only communicate well with people who r on the same freq as us.. However, even if i cant, i will still try.. resulting in my dislike for them.. Making me feel fake.. feels like wearing a mask..

Why do i always trouble myself over unimportant stuff? waste brain cells.. should stop here now.. STOP!

penned at ¶ 2:40 AM

Saturday, August 03, 2002

Just got back home. While on the way home, was feeling so so so down.. Didn't know why though. Felt like i was alone again. Looking at the familiar surroundings didn't even soothe me a single bit. Wanted to cry there and then. What a cry baby.. Now having a spliting headache. Must have been me thinking too much. I'm gonna sleep soon. Hopefully dad and mum gonna buy back dinner for me so I wouldn't have to wake up after an hour's nap.. Zzz..

penned at ¶ 5:33 PM

Friday, August 02, 2002

Went to run around the 199 route just now alone. Felt good! Couldn't find any girls to accompany me to run. All lazy to run. Didn't go for training today due to the stupid french class. Did role play today. It was quite easy. I'm just worried i can't remember all those chim chim words Sabine has been saying. Always need to refer. Not good. While walking back to room after lessons, the whole hall was so quiet. Felt so alone then. Didn't know what to do. I went to sleep. My usual job in the evenings. Heh.. pig out! after waking up alone to eat cup noodles in my own room, set out to watch some crappy movie. My life.. quite boring.. argh.. find some life!

penned at ¶ 1:01 AM

Thursday, August 01, 2002

In the school library now. Enjoying the aircon. Feeling sleepy. Waiting for half an hour more for a lecture. Abit crazy of me to wait for 1 hr for a lecture which i won't even pay attention to. Engineers and Society. Yuck. Feeling bored. Was wondering whether to go back to sleep for 1 hr before going for french. Feeling sleepy. Feeling quite out of place with my f11 friends. Feeling bored. Kinda weird. Maybe hung out too much with the f12 clique.. Very different people they are. Finally later i can go back to a peaceful room and sleep all i want. Gonna be a hermit tonite. Hee.. baWk bawk..

penned at ¶ 1:08 PM