Tuesday, December 29, 2009
im very baffled sometimes. baffled about whether is it my fault, or whats eating her. why do i seem to be always at the receiving end of the black face treatment.
whatever i do, no matter how hard i try, it doesnt seem to please her at all. her smiles, laughters and nice words are reserved for the outsiders and the "unstable one" only. criticisms and black faces, please direct it this way.
you know, im going to move out in a month's time, and i feel very sad, yet i cant show it, cus its instability on my part. i want to spend more time with them, i want to go out with them, and then, i stop myself. do they appreciate me? will i be happy? will they be happy? and so they go. i used my food poisoning/diarrhoea as an excuse.
why do i not confide my problems in her/them? because whenever i confide in them, somehow whatever i share will be used back against me. or be made like im causing myself troubles out of a small hole..
its like a tug of war that im playing with myself. the emotional me cannot win. so the pseudo me has to.
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Wednesday, December 16, 2009
im starting to feel very very moody. with the whole friggin room in a mess, many things undone, and im just sitting on my butt and not doing anything to the situation.
think i'll just lock the door this weekend so nobody can come see the mess in the room. i cant imagine i have so much more to do just before THAT day.
my energy is starting to wear out. its like pacing wrongly in a marathon. i ran too fast in the earlier miles, now ive reached the 70% mark and my mind's telling me to stop. i want to do everything nicely and i hate being dependent on others. taking a break does not make me go further. i took a break, but the pile of shit is still waiting for me.
penned at