Wednesday, September 29, 2004
this afternoon.. grandma was almost gone.. and no one informed me till evening.. they asked everybody to go down, but did not inform me and bro. why? cus they tot we are studying, so did not want to disturb us.
i msged him when i was about to leave hall. he didnt reply. i called him twice or thrice an hr later. he didnt pick up. where was he when i needed support? i was silently crying all the way through the bus ride. he called me back 3 hours later when i reached back hall.
i didnt go for training at 6. i only wanted to go at 7+. maybe i knew something was wrong and wanted to stay in the room to wait for a call. i rushed to the hospital. met eu and jas on the way. reached at 8. she was unconscious. my family and 5th uncle and grandpa were there too. there were many many machines around her. they shifted her to a 4 person ward. she did not open her eyes while i was there. i didnt dare to go near her at first. i dunno why. i was afraid. there were breatheing tubes and many wadever tubes connecting to her. they say she can hear us but she didnt have the energy to open her eyes and talk to us...
im afraid of what might happen tomorrow and more tomorrows..
penned at
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
grandma is in the hospital again.. this time was becus she couldn't do anything.. couldn't get up.. couldnt bathe.. and the ppl at the dialysis center couldnt find anymore space on her arm to insert the needle for dialysis... she was supposed to have an operation near the hip or her neck. the doctor we spoke to didn't seem to know much and he said it was necessary for her to have the op. on that night, the hospital called dad and said they're not going to perform the op cus they found an available space on her arm. wth?
anyway when i went to visit her again on sunday, i felt very very very sad. i don't know if she recognizes me or not, she didn't call my name. i know she doesnt have the old people's disease. she says her eyesight is not that good so she can't see me clearly. what saddens me most is that when she talks to me, i can't make any sense out of anything she says, maybe its cus she didn't have her teeth on. i think she feels very frustrated that none of us understands what she needs and we are looking at her like she has lost her senses. i can feel it. i can see it in her eyes. she looked so disappointed and irritated with herself and us. when i asked her some things, she also couldn't understand. becus of the op, she was made to stay in a single ward. meaning no other patients around. she must have been very very lonely for the past 3 days. when we were leaving the ward, i was the last one to leave, and grandpa walked in front of me. when he said gd bye to her, she looked at him in a manner i can't describe, as if willing him to stay with her, but yet she can't bring herself to say it.
i just called home, bro says he doesn't know if grandma is still in the hospital. so i called grandpa. he said grandma is still in the hospital. i asked why since there is no more op. he says becus she is not well. i asked why not well. he says her brain spoil already. i asked why. he says she tried to hit the nurse, so they binded her hands to the side of the bed. i dunno if its true. he says she will not recognise me even if i go and visit her. i want my grandma to be ok.... i want her to be up and well again......... i will pray every night for her if it takes that for her to be well................
penned at
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Hmm havent updated in a longg while.. many things have happened since the last time i posted... it has been off, for 1 week... den on again.... i thot i would be able to be strong.. stand on my own 2 feet.. in the end i still gave up.. i didnt think it thru when i pulled it off... i didnt think it thru when i put it on again.... .but for now, situation is just fine.... with both parties making effort... things will be fine.... i hope this will be for the long run.... im somehow numb to it though...
Neway, have been really busy with work.. actually no, been busy with i-dunno-what... got a tv card in my pc.. and now i can watch tv in my room.. hiakz.. and the season's startin tmr... 1st match.. abit scared.. havent really played long enough with the full team yet... scared of myself.. doing stupid things on court... scared and exasperated with other teammates.. but well.. not everybody will have the same level of commitment as the oldbies... wish me luck.. we have to win tmr!
Oh yes, jus to add on, i had 2 terrible bad dreams this afternoon while having a 1.5 hr nap... the 1st dream, was abt the bad stuff between me n him.. i dreamt it happened all over again.. it was so real... i forced myself to wake up ... but when i slept again, it continued on again.. i wonder if its a bad omen.. the 2nd dream i had after aj's sms woke me up for a minute, was me playing fb in a village like court, but with the proper boards.. i dreamt dat this really big sized woman was hugging me after the whistle was blown and preventing me from running to get the ball.. i had to beat her wrestle her to get out of her arms... and my teammate was wearing this huge headphones while playing and he couldnt hear us shouting to him to pass the ball... hmm.. ok.. doesnt sound terrible now.. but i think i was more tired after the nap than i was before! =
penned at